Ilya Muromets

One of the epic bogatyrs—the knight‑errants of Kievan Rus’ (the medieval East Slavic state spanning parts of modern Ukraine, Belarus, and Russia)—was a legend of muscle and mayhem: Ilya Muromets. Alongside his comrades Dobrynya Nikitich and Alyosha Popovich, he rampaged across the countryside in a Slavic “Three Musketeers” style, except with more broken bones and fewer witty quips.

Part folklore, part maybe‑history, Ilya supposedly spent his youth paralyzed, lying on the warm ledge of a Russian stove until the age of 33. Then, two wandering pilgrims healed him, and he shot up from the stove with terrifying strength. Immediately, he set out to right wrongs, protect the weak, and punch villains so hard they practically landed in Siberia.

The pilgrims told him to head to Kiev and serve Prince Vladimir (usually identified as Vladimir the Great, not Vladimir Monomakh) in his druzhina (military retinue). On the way, he found an immovable stone. With a grunt and a flex, he shoved it aside to reveal a hero’s starter pack: weapons, armor, and a horse. Swinging into the saddle, gleaming in his new gear, he galloped straight to Kiev to pledge his fists to the prince.

The stories only get wilder. In one, ambushed before he could dress, he yanked on a single boot and used the other as a bludgeon, earning the nickname Ilya Chobotok (“Ilya the Boot”). In another, he smashed thieves into paste using nothing but his helmet.

His most famous showdown was with the Nightingale Robber (Solovei Razboinik), a bandit who blocked the road from Chernihiv to Kiev for thirty years. His weapon? A whistle so powerful it could flatten forests. When Ilya came by, the Robber unleashed his sonic death‑scream, but Ilya didn’t even flinch. He calmly shot him with arrows, dragged him to Kiev, and later chopped off his head after the Robber demonstrated his whistle’s destructive power in front of Prince Vladimir.

Then there’s Tsar Kalin, a Tatar khan who demanded 700 carts of gold or he’d torch Kiev. Ilya wasn’t having it. He led the Rus’ army into battle, where the chronicles threw in a three‑headed dragon for good measure (likely a symbol, maybe even a garbled memory of early cannon fire). Blood and chaos filled the field, and Ilya captured Kalin as a prize for Vladimir.

The prince offered him palaces and riches, but Ilya—ever the restless warrior—refused. He preferred the open road, hunting down new villains to crush, maim, and pulverize into legend.

What a guy.